we always knew

"And the poem, I think, is only your voice speaking." - Virginia Woolf 

It gets hard sometimes to find the right words, the right language and almost impossible to find the right people. 
I'm so far away now, in that fragile second which separates an old day from a new one, it makes me feel like I live the past, the present and the future in the same time. 
I'm sitting by the window, I'm looking at the sky, the wind is gone now, it's just a quite night of October, the lights cover the stars, you cover my mind, my soul, the quite human being that sometimes I dare to call "myself". 
But baby, I always knew. 
I never thought about myself as being what you need, not even what you want. But life put me there, and I couldn't leave anymore, because your presence has started to have an intense shape in my mind and I started to think about you, not all the time as a lover, but as someone who would keep your head in her lap, covering your face with the touch of some fingers which love your skin, and your lips, and the fact that you exist. For me, it was intense and, as it always is, confusing. 
But I always knew that you will never remain in my lap, not even in my deepest dreams because now I know, just as I know that above me are some powerful stars, that who I am can't try to figure out who you are for so long. 
I wanted, I tried, as I always do. 
I'm tired, lonely, but not exactly sad. 
I miss you already.
 I'm trying to avoid my own thoughts, the ones that are telling me how I'm going to spend the rest of my life without you and without the one who changed everything. It terrifies me. I know I must let go, cause you are not even concerned about tomorrow, about how you are going to feel knowing that I won't be there anymore. That I'm not. Not in the mornings, when it's too hard for you to wake up, not in the nights, when it's too hard for me to fall asleep..
But I will let my mind to wander to a memory that my heart has chosen.
The day when I saw you after two years of not knowing anything about you. I had forgotten how dark your hair is, the forest that you keep inside your eyes, the softness of your cheeks. Later, I remembered the sweet taste of your lips and my ribs recognized your hands when you were touching my so imperfect body. 
It felt good every time. 
I don't know why you've been in my life, which is the lesson, but I surely know that I'm going to miss it, among with so many other things that exist inside of you. 
I don't think I have ever got the chance to fully know you, I can't tell too many things about your past, or about what you feel. I wanted to respect your desire of solitude, because I knew that, despite of our silence, you recognized my unselfish love. I wish you would have feel the same about me. 
But I always knew that you didn't. That you don't. 
I'm not mad anymore. Not on you, not even on him. I am disappointed of how things turned out, of who I am, of who I couldn't be for you and, sometimes, I am trying to fall asleep without blaming myself over and over again. In some days, I fight with my memories. With the clear shape of you which I have in my heart. The one that is dragging me back to a long nostalgia. And then, I am sad. 
I only hope that, later in life, I will be able to understand what went wrong, what is wrong with me, why I couldn't keep you more, why I couldn't find myself. 
But I am in a beautiful place, in the middle of a difficult life which somehow I enjoy because it gives me the freedom that I wanted all the time. I'm grateful because I know what it means to be here, I'm happy because I know that this time is not coming back. Just like you.
It's been a while since I had been writing, I had too many things to say. So many that I just decided to keep them in my heart, but you, I always have to put you on paper. I can't handle you by myself, I have to scream to this destiny, to this white sheet, to release my heart just before tomorrow.
I also wanted to say goodbye, cause I have never got the chance.
But baby, you always knew. 
My love for you will be a mark on my youth, on my being. I hope that, in the darkest days of your life, you will know what a light in my soul is this love of mine and maybe, just maybe, it will light your life a little bit too. 

See you at the end of times, 
Ascunsa