"With such a hell in your heart and your head, how can you live? How can you love?" - F. Dostoyevsky
A couple of weeks ago, I had this dream about you.
I was sleeping with you on my chest.
And then I woke up, and it was me, just me. But in the back of my mind, I was looking, once again, in those brown eyes which I got the chance to see for the first time 3 years ago, in the summer of my life.
And I missed you terribly.
I wanted to write, but I was tired of all these weird emotions. My body felt heavy, like you were still there. But I was, however, in peace. Because you'll always be my deepest silence, the dream of my life, the beauty of the world.
And last night, I had another dream. I woke up without remembering it. I had this weird chaos in my mind, like I've been in some place, unable to remember why I was there and what I was doing.
I took a shower and right there, covered in boiled water and hopelessness, I remembered my dream. It was you, once again. We were back together, after a long distance, maybe longer than this one. We were holding hands, and we were just the same.
The same crazy kids who were lying on the same bench in the park, unable to imagine all that was about to come, creating dreams and lives in our minds. What if someone would have told us then about this madness? Now, when I'm thinking about my future, I am scared. Is it going to be crazier than this?
When the memory of this dream hit me, I asked myself "why". You're always in my mind, that's a fact, but the dreams about us are long gone. It's been years, after all. When I am awake, I don't romaticize us anymore, I don't build a future for us. Because it hurts and because it's not possible. But I think about you when I'm in my bed in the morning, when I see something that reminds me of that beautiful childhood of us or simply when I make myself some breakfast. But mostly, I remember about you when I can't endure my life. When people hurt me, lie to me, cheat on me, humiliate me. And I start crying, and then I think about you with anger and kindness, all at once. Because you were the only one who accepted me for who I was, who saw me and took me without asking for something back. Because for you I wasn't an object of desire. You didn't ask me for sex, you asked me about my dreams, about my deepest emotions. You were telling me all that's bad about myself, but not to drag me down, as they all do, but to help me grow. When I was bad, you were mad, because you thought I have the potential to be just great.
I am not sure if you loved me, but I know that you wanted to know me and maybe, sometimes, to hold me.
And I am so fond of you, when I think about this all. And I am so deeply disgusted by this present where all of that is gone, where I can't find anyone like this again and most of all, where I can't have you back. Where I have to deal with all of this pain and anger all by myself.
Maybe that's why I dream about you and I wake up full of sadness.
But let me tell you about me, because I am different now, on so many levels.
I was in love with someone and after that, I have been depressed and I dealt with all of that by myself. It took me a long time and many nights of tears to take myself back there in the world, to breath in, and then to breath out. Telling myself "don't give up, don't give in, there is an answer to everything."
The pain from the inside went right out, starting to damage my friendships. It took just a couple of days to find myself lying on the floor, utterly alone. Somehow, I sorted it out. But I was already exhausted, insecure and damaged.
Meanwhile, I had to take care of my degree. But I didn't. The stress, the panic and the anxiety made it all even worse. I don't know what I am doing anymore, how to do it, why to do it.
I am not motivated anymore, some days I just feel that I am not capable at all.
And then, I got out of money.
And I cried. Because I struggled to work, but I couldn't find any place for it. So then I had to spend all my days inside my room, my ugly, green pale room.
And then I found myself in the arms of a guy that I didn't know anything about. Just because I wanted to be hold just for once, just because I wanted to be their definition of normal. I was sick of tears, tired of loneliness. I needed a physical thing now, just because I wanted to feel like a human, because I wanted to be kissed, because I wanted someone to lie on my chest, to replace the pressure of the world. Because I am young, and I live a crazy life, and I had to adapt.
It was just a couple of days until I heard the truth. The "truth" they said about me. That I am stupid, that all I am is a body.
And it hurt me deeply. And I had to convince myself that they weren't right. I had to keep looking at them like I wasn't breaking on the inside. Maybe they are right, but even if they are, I still had to keep going, I still have to wake up and then go back to sleep.
And I cried and cried, and smoked and listen to music and walked around, day and night, just to keep myself busy.
And this is what I am doing now.
And then I am at my window once again, smoking, seeing the moon covered in clouds. And I think of you. Would you still care for me, if you would see me now? Would I still be here, if you weren't there?
I am not sure who I am anymore, or what to do.
Somehow, after all these years, you're still the only thing that I am sure about, my only refuge, the most beautiful part of my life, my eternal gratitude and my best friend.
But do I ever cross your mind.....