happy for both of us

11.12.2017
2 am 

I didn't see this coming.
All this pain that  I can't handle anymore.
Just me and the stars. 
Just me and my cigarettes.

I assume that now you're happy for both of us. 
I was just hoping for us to end up being happy together.
I am hurt. By you, by God, if there is actually any. By life itself. 
I can't cry anymore. Or sleep, or write, or live. 
I can't get rid of these feelings and I can't get rid of myself either. I am so in love with you. Why didn't you love me back. 
Maybe love would have been too much. But you could have been kind. Emphatic. 
Nobody forced you to lie to me. To use me and then to get rid of me after everything I was willing to give you. To give to us. I thought you were telling the truth. 
Probably because I would have never lied to you. You or anyone else. I would have never did to you what you did to me.
And at the end of the day, I still do love you.
And I hate myself for this. And for not being good enough.  And for the fact that I don't know where to go or what to do. Cause no matter how far I went, I still can't find my place. And I can't stop believing that my place was next to you. 
I hate the summer when we met. I hate the first summer and I hate the last one.
I hate this year, I hate God for allowing this to happen.
But I can't hate you.
I can only hate myself and this stupid faith.
I am angry, hurt, alone.
Are you happy for both of us?
I don't know what's happening. Why do I have to wake up every morning in this thing that I can't even call "life". 
So many questions. And as always, no answer.
I am not sure what hurts me most. What you did or the fact that now there is no turning back.
The fact that I am going to go through all this mess by myself till the end of time.
And that you forgot. 
It's fine. Be happy for me too. Don't even think about how much pain I have to endure because of you. About the fact that everything will be the same from now on. The same amount of shitty days, one after another. 
But thanks God you're happy.
I am so sorry I couldn't be a part of that happiness. That I am going to miss you forever. And that this fucking year, this summer will follow me till the end, like a scar. 
I don't have words left. I have just memories. Which hurt me more than I could explain to you, to me or to anyone else. 
Thank you for showing me that I am unworthy and stupid. All at once. I needed to see who I really am.